Fatal Anxiety
by Fezzes
Summary: Angsty AU one-shot set sometime after 5.01. What if Harvey's abandonment issues got worse? Not for the faint-hearted.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Suits or its characters.**

**Author's note: Please note that this story deals with severe mental health issues. Not for the faint hearted. You have been warned.**

* * *

She looks out of place in his room. In her skin-tight designer dress and Jimmy Choo heels she gingerly joins him on the ground where he sits against the wall.

"What are you doing here, again?" he asked.

"I came to see how you're doing", she answers simply.

"No one does that anymore", he tells her, almost petulantly.

"I do." She tells him, giving him a warm smile.

"Why?" he asks.

"Because I'm your friend, silly", is her only reply.

It's true. She is the only one who ever comes to visit him in this place. In her tailored designer dress and fancy high heels she sticks out like a sore thumb in this place, where most patients don't even bother to change out of their sleepwear on any given day. However, the way her arms move from left to right while she is sashaying down the hallway is as comforting a sight to him as the sharp sound of her heels clicking on the linoleum floor.

He used to be one of those people, too. He'd walk alongside her in his favorite Tom Ford suit, a confident swagger in his walk that made other people turn their heads after them. Things have changed since he was taken here. Gone were the suits and the expensive haircut – hell, most of his days he spent with a full beard because no one trusted him with a razor anymore. The cocky attitude was long gone and sometimes he wondered if she took it with her when she left him. He hates when she does that- _leave_. She is his lifeline. If he knew how, he would make her stay with him forever.

* * *

_They were sitting in the courtroom. Donna was sitting ramrod straight in the chair next to him, anxiety rolling off her in waves. He had assured her that the charges would be dropped._

_ "__All rise!" the bailiff called. Harvey was startled. He wasn't prepared for court to start! He thought there was more time to prepare, more time to get her out of this mess. _

_The sound of the handcuffs locking around Donna's wrists makes Harvey wince. _

_"__You promised! You promised you would get me out of this!" Donna cried, as she was lead away from him. He failed. Harvey Specter lost a case, the one case he couldn't bear to lose._

* * *

"I deserve to know why, Harvey! Why?" she yells at him while tears stream down her beautiful face. Her hands are grabbing at his shoulders, shaking him. She is desperate for answers.

He hates when she comes to visit only to throw accusations at his face. Sometimes she is demanding to know the reason why they are where they are. He has no answers for her and even if he did, what good would they do? No, thanks to him, nothing would change anymore. He hated change. Donna knows that.

When she disappears again, Harvey notices she left bloody scratch marks on his neck.

* * *

_It wasn't often that she took up a role in a play these days. He had once promised her he would allow her time off whenever she needed to pursue her dream of an acting career, but her own diligent work ethics often prevented her from even entertaining theater as a hobby most days. So Harvey tried to accompany her to either opening or closing night whenever she did manage to dip her toe into acting._

_Tonight was no different. He had heard from Louis what a sight to see she was in her newest role. He had researched the play on the internet and had heard that albeit a small production, it had gotten great reviews. While he wasn't a big fan of the classics, not even when they were set in the golden movie era, he would always enjoy watching Donna on stage._

_As was their tradition, he had brought her flowers and had Ray drive them there. After joining her to have celebratory drinks with her fellow cast mates, he had offered to accompany her home as well. It was late and Ray had gotten home hours ago, so they took a cab._

_Donna was a sight to behold, indeed. Red hair styled in neat finger curls, adorned with pearl necklaces and wearing a white dress with the most delicate embroidering – she looked like she came right out of the New York of the Roaring Twenties. _

_He thought about a way to compliment her looks without sounding too sappy, when he noticed the harsh lights of headlights coming their way through the window on Donna's side, creating a bright halo around her head. "She looks like an angel", was his last thought before everything went black._

* * *

It wasn't after the first dream of Donna leaving or dying or even the second one that made him go see a therapist once more. No, he let these dreams go on for too long. Abandonment issues are the diagnosis. No shit.

These terrifying dreams keep him from restful sleep and his work is suffering greatly. He is snapping at Donna far too often these days and the way she looks at him tells him that she is unable to figure out the reason behind his odd behavior.

She wouldn't understand. No one would.

* * *

_Bang. For a moment the sound startled him, because he hadn't expected it to happen so suddenly. A minute ago he was arguing with a former client about the outcome of his divorce negotiations, telling him to suck it up, get over his wife and get the hell out of his office when he suddenly pulled a gun from his coat jacket._

_„__You just don't get what it's like to lose somebody, do you?" he asked. _

_So it wasn't his head he pointed the gun to, it was her's. There was no time to shout out a warning, it happened too fast. For just a second he saw the look of terror on her face when she got up from her desk and it would forever be burned into his memory. _

_He saw her tumbling backwards as if in slow motion, her hands not even moving to break the fall. When he reached her all he saw was red. Her red hair was splayed around her head like a halo, but that wasn't the sight he was drawn too. Tendrils of red liquid flowed freely from beneath her, quickly turning into a bloody pool around her head. Harvey would never forget the look of surprise that was still prominent in now unseeing eyes._

* * *

He didn't often have people come visit him. And if someone did, it was mostly her. He feels lonely so very often, so he is looking forward to each and every one of her visits. It doesn't matter if she is being friendly or angry whenever she does arrive, he is just glad to see her. Donna is like oxygen to him and he does not do to well whenever she isn't by his side. The psychologist that comes to see him almost every day says it isn't healthy to wait for her the way he does. Fuck the shrink. He has no idea.

"You should have told me, Harvey" she reproachfully tells him one day while day are sitting in side by side on the narrow cot that was his bed. "I would've helped. I know I could have."

"I know", he sighs. "But it's too late now."

Her lack of answer tells him she doesn't disagree. Sometimes her silence is more hurtful than the anger, but at least she is here with him. That is all he can hope for.

* * *

_"__There has to be something you can do!" Harvey yells, unable to accept the news the doctor just gave him. "I'm sorry, but Ms. Paulsen isn't eligible for a transplant. Her other organs have already been affected by the heart insufficiency, so even if we found a matching organ soon, her body would be too weak to successfully undergo surgery._

_"__How long?" he asked, still processing the news he just received._

_"__It could be a few days, but be prepared that it could be much less than that. We are starting her on palliative care so she won't be in pain and we strongly advise you to sign a DNR as well." The doctor tells him with a solemn face._

_Walking into the room, he found his usual spot next to her bed. He watched as her eyes blink open momentarily. "You're here", she acknowledged softly. For days he had watched her growing weaker and weaker and he knew there wasn't much fight left in her. _

_"__Where else would I be?" he asked. Harvey felt like his whole life was here in this room. There was nowhere else to be. He wanted to tell her how much he needed her and that he couldn't possibly allow her to die, but he knew that this was no longer up to her. It felt like she was waiting for his permission to finally let go._

_"__Stay with me?" would be the last thing she ever asked of him before she fell asleep one last time._

* * *

"Harvey? Harvey!" she is yelling after him as he stumbles towards the washrooms. He is tucking at his collar, desperate for more air and he can hear the familiar sound of her heels clicking n the floor as she moves closer; too close for comfort.

"Not now, Donna", he presses out as he leans on the sink with both hands. He can't bear the sight of her, not now. His head is swirling with memories he is no longer sure were real or not.

"Talk to me, goddammit!" Donna demands. "I don't know what to do!"

"You can't be here, Donna. You shouldn't be here. You're not real!" he accuses as he turns to face his demon.

"What the hell are you talking about? Harvey!" She is pleading with him and there are tears in her eyes. He can't stand to watch Donna cry.

"Donna. Just _go_." He demands one more time. But when her hand clasps his shoulder, something inside of him just snaps. Before he knows it, his hands are curled around her throat, effectively silencing her surprised shriek as she struggles to draw breath.

Her hands move to grasp at his iron grip with a surprising strength in order to pry his hands away from her neck. He brings both of them down to the floor to pin her beneath him and her hands claw at him in desperation until she draws blood. "You're not real!" he yells at her and bangs her head against the stone-tiled floor until the struggling stops. Harvey tries to calm his breathing as he moves away from the limp body on the floor. Again he is forced to witness Donna's unseeing gaze. He watches one last tear escape the corner of her eye and roll into her fiery hair as he waits to wake up from this dream once again. It is too late when he realizes he never does.

* * *

"I hereby sentence you, Harvey Specter, to a lifetime sentence without parole, for the murder of Ms. Donna Paulsen. In compliance with Mr. Specter's psychological evaluation he will be detained in a high-security mental hospital for treatment until further notice." The judge calls out and Harvey draws his eyebrows in confusion. Astonished, he looks toward the last bench on the other side of the courtroom where he knows she is sitting and watching, dressed to the nines, as she had been throughout this entire farce of a trial. This time, however, Donna doesn't meet his eyes. Harvey isn't worried though, even as they lead him out of the courtroom with two officers flanking him even though he is wearing cuffs on both his hands and ankles. Donna will come and see him soon. She always does.

* * *

**Author's note: Sorry, not sorry. On a brighter note, 9.01 premieres tomorrow. Please let me know your thoughts about this - the good and the bad.**


End file.
